From Reaction to Response - Noticing the Pattern Within

In my therapy office, I often hear people say, “I don’t know why I feel this way—it just hits me out of nowhere.” And I get it. Emotions can feel unpredictable, like they rise out of thin air. But most of the time, they don’t come out of nowhere. They come out of patterns—patterns we’ve been practicing for a long time, often without even realizing it.

Today, I want to show you something simple, but powerful: your emotions are shaped by your thoughts—and when you start to notice the connection, you gain the power to respond instead of react.

The Hidden Link: How Your Thoughts Shape Your Feelings

Let’s take a real-life example. Imagine someone you care about doesn’t return your message for a couple of days. You start to feel anxious, maybe even frustrated. But what’s underneath that emotion?

Usually, there’s a thought—maybe something like:

• “They’re upset with me.”
• “I must’ve done something wrong.”
• “People always leave.”

Now imagine instead if the thought had been:

• “They’re probably just busy.”
• “I can check in tomorrow if I need to.”

Different thought, different emotion.

Our minds are meaning-makers. We constantly interpret situations, fill in the gaps, and tell ourselves stories. Some of those stories are grounded and supportive. Others are old scripts from past pain, insecurity, or fear—and they keep us trapped in emotional loops that don’t serve us.

Reaction vs. Response

The difference between reacting and responding often comes down to this: Did I pause long enough to notice the story I was telling myself?

• Reaction is automatic. It’s fast, emotional, and often rooted in fear or old habits.
• Response is intentional. It creates space between what you feel and what you choose to do with it.

That space? That’s where your freedom is.

The Stories You Carry

We all carry inner narratives—some that serve us, some that sabotage us. Maybe yours sounds like:

• “I have to hold it all together.”
• “I’m not doing enough.”
• “People always let me down.”

The problem isn’t just that those stories feel heavy—it’s that they quietly shape how you feel, how you act, and how you relate to others.

Here’s the good news: those patterns can be rewritten. Not overnight, but over time, with awareness and compassion. And that starts by noticing them.

Here’s How to Start

Today, try walking through this simple exercise when a strong emotion shows up:

1. Name the Feeling
   “What am I feeling right now?”
   Try to be specific—anxious, discouraged, irritated, embarrassed.
   
   
2. Trace the Thought
   “What thought or story might be creating this feeling?”
   Be honest, even if it sounds a little dramatic. That’s okay—it’s just information.
   
   
3. Check the Story
   “Is this thought helpful or familiar?”
   “Is it true—or just something I’ve practiced believing?”
   
   
4. Try a More Grounded Thought
   “What else might be true here?”
   Not a fake-positive spin, but a more balanced, compassionate truth.
   
   Example:
   
   • Old story: “I always screw this up.”
     
   • New thought: “This is hard, but I’m learning. I’m allowed to grow.”
     

Why This Matters

You can’t control every emotion that shows up. But you can start to shape your relationship with them by learning to pause and listen to the thoughts that feed them.

This isn’t about perfection—it’s about practice. And each time you catch a thought and choose a new way of responding, you’re doing the deep work of emotional strength.

Reflection Questions

Take time to explore these questions in your journal, voice memos, or quiet reflection:

• What’s one emotion that tends to show up often for me lately?
• What thought might be fueling that emotion?
• What’s a more honest, helpful thought I can try instead?
  
  

In Part 3, we’ll explore what it means to stay with difficult emotions instead of running from them—and how to build emotional endurance without getting stuck.

Until then, keep listening to what’s underneath. That’s where real change begins.

— Dr. Trevor